I'm sitting here freaking out. So many things are happening in my life right now and the one person I wish I could talk to and tell, isn't around to hear it. She is but she's not...
I need a Mom. My mother lives in Michigan, she's on deaths door, literally. She really doesn't have much time left and it's because she refuses to change her lifestyle. My mother and I have never had a great relationship. Growing up, I could never do anything right in her eyes. She was very controlling and over-bearing as a mother. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for her.
When I made mistakes in my late teens and ended up pregnant, married to a guy I never should have married and basically spent the whole decade of my 20's in a heap of trouble because of my poor choices; all she could tell me was "I told you should have listened to me". No support, no real love, no advice.
When I moved away with my [now] husband and started over 11 years ago, she told me 2 things the day I left. One, she'd never forgive me for moving away from her. And two, that I'd regret moving away from her. She was correct about the first one. She's never forgiven me for following my dreams, following my heart and finding a life of my own.
Now fast forward to present day - I've started my own business and we are on the verge of having a home. I don't have anyone to share that with! Sure, I have friends and my husband's family, who are amazingly wonderful. In fact his parents are helping us get our new home. But I have no one to share that with. If I tried sharing it with my mother, she'd get pissy or cry and make me feel guilty for it.
In 2008, my husband lost his job. Our whole world fell apart and we had to start all over again, from scratch. We lost our house, we lost almost all of our belongings and we literally started over with just the bare basics. Our kids, our dog, ourselves and what little we could haul in a tiny U-haul trailer across the country. It truly was like being a Pioneer at that point in our life.
We've scraped, clawed and worked our butts off to get back to where we are now. I started a new lifestyle and lost 50 pounds, during this whole thing too. Talk about NOT EASY! It's been extremely hard. And the worst thing about it is not having a Mom to talk to or to vent to or to tell me "it'll all be ok".
I've come to realize all of this in the last few months. All these new, exciting, wonderful things are happening and I can't tell my parents or anyone from my family because they would just turn it around and be negative about it. I don't need negativity. I need positive reinforcement and support! I don't want to be made to feel guilty for all the good things I've been working my butt off for.
I started my own business! I'm making things happen for me and for my family! I'm not letting life's hardships and struggles keep me from my dreams. Those things are to be proud of - not feel guilty about. I just wish I had someone to tell. A Mom who'd listen and love, not berate and belittle.
My mother is dying. Obesity, diabetes, congestive heart failure - she'll not make it through another year, unless she changes her lifestyle, and she refuses to do that! Though we've never had a good relationship, she is my mother. I don't know how to feel about what'll happen when she goes. It's her own fault. I've tried to reach out to her multiple times, but I gave up because every time I just feel worse afterwards. Some may think it's wrong or even morbid of me to think or feel this way, but what else am I suppose to do? I can't change her, but I changed me! It's a damn shame she can't and won't be around to see.
I really just wish I had a Mom to comfort me. That's what I really need right now...